Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Here's my "7"

7 Things to do Before I Die:~

* Witness a live birth (I saw mine in a mirror LOL)
* Get my degree
* Buy a house
* Witness at least one boy graduate from college and get a job
* Take my boys to Africa and the south to learn get a real culture lesson
* Live out my dream (it's a secret shhhh)
* Find true peace and at least one daughter-in-law I like

7 Things I Can Do:~

*I can read a Stephen King novel in one day (speed reader here too)
* Play piano
* Understand science
* Figure out everyone elses life problems
* Stand up for myself and my kids regardless
* Inform stupid people they are stupid. Everyone else seems okay with just letting them be. No thanks.
* Admit when I messed up and even apologize. (but I never mess up)

7 Things I Can't Do:~

* Drive a tractor (always wanted to)
* Understand people who would rather watch tv than be outside
* Compromise my values for the "good" of the situation
* Stay skinny
* Give my kids false self-esteem
* Not pull my weight to prove a point. Even if everyone else is fucking up I have to pull my weight. Damn morals.
* Doubt God. Never ever ever is there ever anything that will make me doubt the Lord.

7 Things I say Most Often:~

*Oh good grief!! Enough Already!!
* I am going to count to three and if I have to even say one it's your butt.
* Gee ya think (to an idiot who realizes the obvious)
* I understand that upsets you but I don't care.
* Suck it up.
* Dr. Phil ain't got shit on me.
* Holy crap what an idiot. He must be from Missouri.

7 Celebrity Crushes:

*Stephen Baldwin (we have a long standing mental romance and I can't let it go)
* Almost all of the men from "Lost" (hey if Hope can have the "Desperate Housewives" clan I get this!!)
* 50 Cent
* Harry Connick Jr. (well all men with southern accents mmmmmmm)
* Shaq (Jonah actually thinks that is his dad..bad mommy LOL)
* Stone Phillips
* Benjamin Bratt (or is it Brat..hmm maybe I don't need another Brat in my house)

7 People I'd like to do This List:

Everyone who knows me!! Even the stupid people LOL

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I Need To Complain Louder

I figured out all my problems on my drive to work today. My problem is that I just don't complain loud enough. It seems all the people who whine and complain and write into news/tv stations with their pity parties - score cool stuff.

Ty needs to come build me a cool house. It doesn't even have to be big. I just need a secret room where I can hide from the boys.

I think you run into a few people who truly have a tragic story and it's great that someone can help them out. But I have noticed lately, especially on message boards, that people are complaining about the basics of everyday life. They just add more steps or details to their everyday problem and suddenly they have a rash of support. You have an idiot couple who gets pregnant and has a kid. Everyone shakes their head. They can barely afford that kid and whine about being poor. THEN they turn around and get pregnant again. Everyone one again shakes their head and calls them all sorts of stupid. They give birth to a child with some problems and suddenly everyone is their best friend and they get cash, clothes, food etc. I don't get this. How does it make them less stupid??

I have three boys and basically I am limited to a job that can only be worked Monday thru Friday and must only be worked between the hours of 8:00am-5:00pm. There are tons of jobs out there that pay a lot more that I will never be able to apply for but I just feel that comes with the territory. I would never dream of going online (or in my real life) and making myself a victim because of the CHOICES I made in my life.

So back to my original topic. I need to complain more. I just sat back and looked at the big picture. I told my 4-year-old it was bedtime last night. We had already read a couple books and he asked me to tell him a story about my childhood. This must be a scene in "Home on the Range" because he has been watching that like it's crack. I told him I would love to tell him some stories tomorrow (now today) but right now it was bedtime and he already had his stories. Then he starts to complain - "But I don't know anysang about you. You NEBER tell me any stories about you. Why don't you want me to know." 20 minutes later he knows about my life stopping short of when I probably should have needed therapy.

But you know what the funny thing is?? I don't have enough energy to complain. It seems so exhausting to me. But then again I could always relax my exhausted body in my new 5,000 square foot house and if I got tired of that I could take a drive around the block in my brand new loaded Ford vehicle. Yeeahhhhh....Hey me babe!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Happy Birthday to me...I'm old.

Yesterday I celebrated the big THREE OOH. I was pretty depressed about it at first. I am now 30 and 1 day and I feel the same as I did at 29 and 364 days. I guess it's not so bad. I can finally use lines like "those young kids" and call music "noise". I can now also get away with saying "back in the days when I was young...". Aaahhh the joys of being old.

I decided yesterday that I needed a mommy day. I got up early, got my boys ready for daycare and dropped them. Oh and I was still in my pajamas. I told daycare that I would be unavailable from around 10am to 1pm or so and if anything major happened - well just press firmly with a cloth. They got the picture.

I went home and got ready for my day. I was getting a manicure, pedicure and one hour massage. Let me just tell you - if I didn't have any kids, I would get this done A LOT!! It was nice to be pampered for once. The closest thing I've had to a massage was my 16 month old clawing my back in the middle of the night.

After I got done with everything I went home and hung out alone. I had argued with Jonah the night before about spending "my day" alone. He insisted I take him with me. I got annoyed and said "Why can't my day be about me???" He replied, "It can be about you. Well you AND me." Grrr men!! So then I told him MAYBE I would pick him up early and take him for ice cream. I picked him up a little into nap. I waited until almost 3pm hoping he would get a decent nap in. No go. They told me he barely had fallen asleep....niiiiiiccceeeeee *rolls eyes*. He was so happy I picked him up.

We went downtown to the ice cream shoppe and got our ice cream. We were sitting at a table looking at all the black and white pictures of famous people. It was so pleasant...a little something like this.

Jonah: He's dead right?
Me: Yeah
Jonah: She's dead right?
Me: Yeah
Jonah: That is a little kid but he grew up to be old like you are and died right?
Me: Yeah - hey wait did you just say I was old.
Jonah: Yeah.
Me: Thanks a lot!
Jonah: You are welcome. So he's dead right? *pointing to a different picture*

I finish my ice cream and continue the "dead people" conversation with Jonah. He then looks at me and says loudly. I must first say that Jonah has three volumes he speaks in "normal loud", "very loud" and "what the hell dude I'm sitting right beside you". This was "very loud".

Jonah: Hey mommy
Me: What sweetie, oh and you don't have to talk so loud.
Jonah Umm okay (still loud) did you know that farting is very natural and you have to let it out so you don't get sick?! It's not gross it's natural and you need to let your body do it.
Me: No you don't. You hold it until you can go somewhere alone.
Jonah: People do that?
Me: People with manners.
Jonah: Well I guess we can bof sank Jesus I have no manners.


We finally left the ice cream store and went to the toy store to get him a know for "our" birthday. Overall it was a great day. But can I just say - back in the days when I was kid, you didn't talk about farting in the ice cream store!!!

Monday, August 01, 2005

Do I Parent Correctly??

I was on the computer last night and a friend I haven't talked to forever came online. We im'd each other confirming that we both were still alive. I guess picking up a phone in today's world would be too much like right.

One of the first things I said to her was "After three kids you really don't know anything about parenting." My friend was quiet and then said, "Please don't tell me that." Aaahh me and tact go hand in hand. She was about to tell me she is pregnant with her second child. I then had to backup and explain to her why she would actually know how to parent since it was only her second kid.

When you have your first child you really are an idiot. You wonder stupid things while others wonder how you are keeping your child alive. Their first birthday is really more a celebration for you, not because your baby is entering toddlerhood, but because your baby lived an entire year - in your care. By the second kid you are pretty good. You hear a cry, quickly assess the situation and have a happy baby. Then by the third child you are so convinced your kids are out to kill you that all rational thinking and parenting skills have flown out the window.

My oldest son is on vacation with my parents for a couple weeks so it is just me and the other two. I put the middle boy to bed early last night. He didn't have a nap and is a total bear in daycare if he doesn't get enough zzzs. I put the youngest into bed. For some wild reason I decided instead of nazi parenting the baby, I would do attachment parenting. I will admit he is the most laid-back of all three boys. So I put him in my bed and I get onto the computer (which is in my bedroom). He was fine at first and then he was crying and fussing and whining. I would calmly say "Lay down please". This went on for a long time. I finally went over to him....okay well did you know that if your child drinks 24 ozs of milk in a 2 hour time frame - they will pee out of their Huggies overnights and drench their pajamas.

If this had been my first child I would have immediately ran to him on the first cry, got him a new diaper, fresh jammies and snuggled him while apologizing for being an idiot. My second child would have been tended to after a couple minutes minus the apologies. Poor poor forgotten third child....after an hour I finally got him a fresh diaper, didn't bother with clean jammies (just left him naked) and left him with a "Now go to sleep".

I have a lady coming over tonight who is conducting a study on toddler safety in the home. I'm glad this isn't for a grade. I'm pretty confident I would fail. With my first child there were outlet covers, door knob covers, removal of tables, no uncovered cords, follow closely behind anytime he walked on a hard surface and offered a huge ice pack and cookie to any tiny bump because *I* should have prevented that. My second child got outlets covers and cuddling for injuries because I felt bad not doing a full-blown safety check. Aaah but the third. Nothing is covered, removed or secured. I have figured out exactly which stance or movement will cause them to fall off a high object. I have used the line "If you put that in your mouth and choke and die mommy will be very mad." Did you know that a child can get shocked just by pressing their finger down hard on an outlet?!?! The wonders. Soooo I guess this lady will assess my home and offer me free home safety supplies. I really hope it's nothing my older boys can injure each other with.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Butt Disease

I decided there is no time like the present to share a quick story with you. Maybe this will actually help you determine if you really want to take precious time from your life and actually read my entries.

Yes you read the title correctly, it is in fact, "Butt Disease".

As I stated earlier, I have a 4 year old. He has been potty trained for 2 years this July. He was easy to train and does a great job. However, he is not real good at wiping. He also is not good at asking for help with his wiping when he's at daycare.

I went to pick him up from daycare one day and as we were leaving...well here's our conversation...

Jonah: I have butt disease
Me: You have what?
Jonah: Butt Disease!! I have butt disease.
**please keep in mind there are a bunch of other parents in the hallway looking at us like we are crazy**
We finally get outside and continue our arguing
Jonah: I need to go to Dr. B
Me: You do not need a doctor.
**We are now in the van. **
Jonah: I need to go to the doctor.
Me: Jonah when we get home I will look at your bottom. I'm sure it's just raw from you not wiping well. I will put some ointment on it.
Me: Okay that's fine but I have to look at it before I take you to the doctor or he will yell at me.
Jonah: Okay mommy.

So we get home and I put the baby in his high chair. I must insert that the baby MUST eat the second we walk in the door or he willl freak out. About 5 feet from our front door he will start chanting "more more more eat eat eat". We step into the door and he screams loudy until placed in his high chair. I go to the counter and grab his plate of food I prepared before picking up the boys. As I turn around to tell Jonah I will check his bottom - I am greeted with a 4 year old brown butt sticking straight up in the air. It's the stance we call "peeking turtle". Anyone with a son or a weird husband - is feelin' me right now.

So I check out his bum and yes it's just red from not being wiped well. I tell Jonah he needs to soak in the tub and then have some rash ointment put on it.

Jonah: Ointment will not make it better I need a doctor. You are not a doctor you don't know anything about butt disease. I have butt disease it needs a doctor NOT ointment.
Me: Well I am not taking you to the doctor today.
Jonah: Fine give me ointment but I'm not taking a bath.

I put some ointment on his bottom and he complains of it being squishy and wants new underwear. I do talk him off the ledge from that one.

Later that night I convince him to at least take a shower. He hates baths. I put him in the shower and put the baby down to sleep. A few minutes later I decide to go check on him. I peek in the curtain and my child is bent over in prison beotch stance letting water run down the back. I decide that since I did not announce my arrival it would be mean to bust him out. I exit the bathroom and come back to the doorway. I clear my throat and yell, "How's it going Jonah." He answers back "Fine". I tell him I'm going to check on him. I'm opening the curtain now. I want to....

All that warning and he didn't care to change positions!!! For all of you women who wonder what it was your mother-in-law did to make your husband/boyfriend/so the way they are - I can tell you it was NOTHING. There is something genetically whacked out in men and there is NOTHING we can do about it but continue to love them.

My child glances over at me with a big smile and says "See mommy I know how to get rid of my butt disease."

Later that evening we were talking as he was crawling into bed. He said he asked his teacher to call me but he knew that she didn't call. I told him I was busy at work and he just got an attitude.

The next day I took him to school and saw a different teacher. She asked me if we got rid of Jonah's unexplained rash. Huh?? I thought it was butt disease. Apparently my child started out with an unexplained rash, a broken leg and then caught his butt disease. I bet this poor boy is wondering if death will get your mommy called. While I am flattered he wanted to be with me, really butt disease?! Is there anything out there that can top butt disease?! I guess only death would be the next option.

I can happily report there have been no repeated incidents of butt disease...yet.

The beginning

I have decided that it is time for me to curse the rest of the world with the happenings of my life. If I continue to keep my life experiences bottled up - I just might explode.

Here's a little about me...

I am a single mother to three little boys. Nickolas (8), Jonah (4) and Jerred (16 months). I work full-time outside the home and attempt to parent in the evenings and weekends. I find myself to be a real matter-of-fact sort of parent. I believe that you should play mind games with your kids but don't be real extreme. I mean if you push them over the edge - you want to make sure it's not until they are old enough to foot their own therapy bills.

My kids are actually quite interesting and different. I might even go so far as to call them "odd". I compare them to other kids their age (any parent who says they don't are lying) and I just don't find them to be on quite the same page of the book.

Nickolas just recently turned 8 years old. He is what we like to call "The Professor". He is very literal about EVERYTHING and has this dry sense of humor that I don't think even he gets. He will say something completely off the wall and when I laugh, he will just glance at me like I have been drinking with breakfast again. He is very into Yu-gi-oh and some other boy things that scream "I'm a geek" but alas, I love him, and I support his hobbies.

Jonah is 4 going on 25. The best way to describe Jonah is think of Jack from "Will & Grace" and Malcom X as one person. Yes that is "Just Jonah". He's game for pretty much anything, very affectionate and very set in his ways. He has no desire to play Yu-gi-oh when there is a special on TV about "Pompeii". He is obsessed with Michael Jordan and thinks the only way you can become a great basketball player is by spending a week in North Carolina. I just smile and nod. After all, I am supportive and telling your sweet 4-year-old "Umm whatever are you really that simple", cannot be considered supportive.

Jerred is about as sweet as they come. I label him "my reward for keeping Jonah alive". He's a snuggle bear and has started to talk a lot. I mean just the other day he screamed "mine" and "stop" to me when I was trying to help him. How can you NOT love that?! He is also a little chunky fellow...think a brown version of that fat kid from "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" - yep that's my man. He is really a combination of his brothers. Laid-back like Nick but gets all freakish and silly like Jonah.

My hands are full, but I can never complain of being bored. I hope when I share my parenting advice, tips and stories with you - that you will walk away with something...well hopefully not a number for CPS - but something.