Three Boys and a Crazy Lady

Butt Disease

I decided there is no time like the present to share a quick story with you. Maybe this will actually help you determine if you really want to take precious time from your life and actually read my entries.

Yes you read the title correctly, it is in fact, "Butt Disease".

As I stated earlier, I have a 4 year old. He has been potty trained for 2 years this July. He was easy to train and does a great job. However, he is not real good at wiping. He also is not good at asking for help with his wiping when he's at daycare.

I went to pick him up from daycare one day and as we were leaving...well here's our conversation...

Jonah: I have butt disease
Me: You have what?
Jonah: Butt Disease!! I have butt disease.
**please keep in mind there are a bunch of other parents in the hallway looking at us like we are crazy**
We finally get outside and continue our arguing
Jonah: I need to go to Dr. B
Me: You do not need a doctor.
**We are now in the van. **
Jonah: I need to go to the doctor.
Me: Jonah when we get home I will look at your bottom. I'm sure it's just raw from you not wiping well. I will put some ointment on it.
Jonah: YOU ARE NOT A DOCTOR!!! I DON'T NEED OINTMENT I NEED A DOCTOR. OINTMENT WILL NOT WORK!! I HAVE BUTT DISEASE!!!!!
Me: Okay that's fine but I have to look at it before I take you to the doctor or he will yell at me.
Jonah: Okay mommy.

So we get home and I put the baby in his high chair. I must insert that the baby MUST eat the second we walk in the door or he willl freak out. About 5 feet from our front door he will start chanting "more more more eat eat eat". We step into the door and he screams loudy until placed in his high chair. I go to the counter and grab his plate of food I prepared before picking up the boys. As I turn around to tell Jonah I will check his bottom - I am greeted with a 4 year old brown butt sticking straight up in the air. It's the stance we call "peeking turtle". Anyone with a son or a weird husband - is feelin' me right now.

So I check out his bum and yes it's just red from not being wiped well. I tell Jonah he needs to soak in the tub and then have some rash ointment put on it.

Jonah: Ointment will not make it better I need a doctor. You are not a doctor you don't know anything about butt disease. I have butt disease it needs a doctor NOT ointment.
Me: Well I am not taking you to the doctor today.
Jonah: Fine give me ointment but I'm not taking a bath.

I put some ointment on his bottom and he complains of it being squishy and wants new underwear. I do talk him off the ledge from that one.

Later that night I convince him to at least take a shower. He hates baths. I put him in the shower and put the baby down to sleep. A few minutes later I decide to go check on him. I peek in the curtain and my child is bent over in prison beotch stance letting water run down the back. I decide that since I did not announce my arrival it would be mean to bust him out. I exit the bathroom and come back to the doorway. I clear my throat and yell, "How's it going Jonah." He answers back "Fine". I tell him I'm going to check on him. I'm opening the curtain now. I want to....

All that warning and he didn't care to change positions!!! For all of you women who wonder what it was your mother-in-law did to make your husband/boyfriend/so the way they are - I can tell you it was NOTHING. There is something genetically whacked out in men and there is NOTHING we can do about it but continue to love them.

My child glances over at me with a big smile and says "See mommy I know how to get rid of my butt disease."

Later that evening we were talking as he was crawling into bed. He said he asked his teacher to call me but he knew that she didn't call. I told him I was busy at work and he just got an attitude.

The next day I took him to school and saw a different teacher. She asked me if we got rid of Jonah's unexplained rash. Huh?? I thought it was butt disease. Apparently my child started out with an unexplained rash, a broken leg and then caught his butt disease. I bet this poor boy is wondering if death will get your mommy called. While I am flattered he wanted to be with me, really butt disease?! Is there anything out there that can top butt disease?! I guess only death would be the next option.

I can happily report there have been no repeated incidents of butt disease...yet.

posted by Three Boys and a Crazy Lady @ 2:17 PM 2 comments

The beginning

I have decided that it is time for me to curse the rest of the world with the happenings of my life. If I continue to keep my life experiences bottled up - I just might explode.

Here's a little about me...

I am a single mother to three little boys. Nickolas (8), Jonah (4) and Jerred (16 months). I work full-time outside the home and attempt to parent in the evenings and weekends. I find myself to be a real matter-of-fact sort of parent. I believe that you should play mind games with your kids but don't be real extreme. I mean if you push them over the edge - you want to make sure it's not until they are old enough to foot their own therapy bills.

My kids are actually quite interesting and different. I might even go so far as to call them "odd". I compare them to other kids their age (any parent who says they don't are lying) and I just don't find them to be on quite the same page of the book.

Nickolas just recently turned 8 years old. He is what we like to call "The Professor". He is very literal about EVERYTHING and has this dry sense of humor that I don't think even he gets. He will say something completely off the wall and when I laugh, he will just glance at me like I have been drinking with breakfast again. He is very into Yu-gi-oh and some other boy things that scream "I'm a geek" but alas, I love him, and I support his hobbies.

Jonah is 4 going on 25. The best way to describe Jonah is think of Jack from "Will & Grace" and Malcom X as one person. Yes that is "Just Jonah". He's game for pretty much anything, very affectionate and very set in his ways. He has no desire to play Yu-gi-oh when there is a special on TV about "Pompeii". He is obsessed with Michael Jordan and thinks the only way you can become a great basketball player is by spending a week in North Carolina. I just smile and nod. After all, I am supportive and telling your sweet 4-year-old "Umm whatever are you really that simple", cannot be considered supportive.

Jerred is about as sweet as they come. I label him "my reward for keeping Jonah alive". He's a snuggle bear and has started to talk a lot. I mean just the other day he screamed "mine" and "stop" to me when I was trying to help him. How can you NOT love that?! He is also a little chunky fellow...think a brown version of that fat kid from "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" - yep that's my man. He is really a combination of his brothers. Laid-back like Nick but gets all freakish and silly like Jonah.

My hands are full, but I can never complain of being bored. I hope when I share my parenting advice, tips and stories with you - that you will walk away with something...well hopefully not a number for CPS - but something.

posted by Three Boys and a Crazy Lady @ 1:33 PM 1 comments